Regrets

I guess I have been putting this off long enough. That is not regret but the result of procrastination. Regrettably I think procrastination could fall somewhere in the list of regrets I may have. I’m not quite sure how many I may have because of the scale; regrettably a scale that is difficult to define. I know, I ask around.


How would you classify your regrets? The responses were as numbered as the regrets. Simple to complex, forgettable and unforgettable, intentional and unintentional, with and without outside influence, voluntary and involuntary, painful, painless, short term, long term, eventful, uneventful, you get the point.

So, what do I regret and how do I put them on a scale. For me they are all of the above, then, I label them significant and insignificant. Insignificant didn’t change my life or how I think about things, significant did.

I regret not having more children, the most significant regret to date. I was afraid I wouldn’t be a good father, be able to provide amply, I was being selfish and fearful. We would spend four years in the adoption process only to be denied what I now consider to be a blessing. To some degree I was still being selfish, but I had no idea how hard it would be to get a newborn girl. Nor did we realize how often expectant Mothers changed their minds at birth. The last time we were sitting by the phone, with the car loaded, baby’s seat in place and ready to head to the hospital, the expectant Mother in delivery, when the Adoption Attorney called and informed us the Mother had changed her mind. That was the last time. It was the fourth time. We moved on…significant…Elaine and I grew closer, more caring, more committed to each other, and life-long friends, not just a husband and wife, oh yes very significant. Thank goodness for Grandchildren.

I regret not having a passion, extremely significant now. I had a great career, I have a great family, I have great friends, great neighbors, the health is doing very well, the golf game it seems is always improving, I still bang on the drum kit now and then, the bills are paid, there is some, although not as much as you would like, money in the bank and 401/IRA’s and such, and I met some cousins several years ago that I previously just knew about. I’ll get to that. But I have never, beyond knowing I wanted to spend my life with Elaine, had a passion. This is significant at several different levels but I would have to say mostly because now I have a lot of time and nowhere to direct it. I like to golf, but not passionately, ride the motorcycle, but not passionately, play the drums, but not passionately and I like to write, but not passionately. I heard somewhere if you want to be a writer, just write. How simple that sounds, how complicated that is to formulate the thought process to get it all on paper. Thomas Edison, Edgar Allen Poe, Van Gogh, Bruce Springsteen, Bret Favre, Charles Schultz, and Mother Theresa are a few, a very few of the people I believe are driven by passion. I regret not having a passion. Significant, to the degree I waste a lot of valuable time that I could be directing to something more creative and beneficial. I am working on it.

Are there other regrets…I could spend days writing about them and bore myself to death. I regret not practicing more; whether it is the drums, golf, whatever. I regret not reading more. I regret not getting a better education, maybe a degree. I regret not painting the front and rear door sills yet, cleaning out the in-basket more often, yes I still have an in-basket on my desk, where else you going to put old scorecards and unopened mail. So the list is long and could be very boring.

I mentioned earlier some new family. I guess under regrets is a strange place to put that. But this is one of those you can’t do anything about regrets, till now. My Father, for I am sure numerous reasons ended up in California. While a large part of his family, which included all of his sisters, remained in Florida. So separated by miles and time there are cousins on the east coast I had never met until several years ago on a golf trip to Ponte Vedra. I also got to meet one of his sisters. I had a vague memory of meeting her when I was 11 or 12 but long forgotten, watching my cousins around her I knew she was special. Although we only spent several hours together I knew I would regret not having known them sooner. Never in my lifetime have I met with someone so far removed from my life and so instantly a part of my life than on this day. Watching, listening, and sharing just a speckle of time that would be a lifelong memory. I hope we will have the opportunity to share even more. The regret, one of my cousins just passed away and I didn’t get to know her better, share more time with her, laugh or cry with her, comfort her or protect her. Joke with her, tease her, and give her a hard time about her favorite sports team, TV show, color, cartoon character, place to vacation or anything else. I didn’t get to praise her for her work as a nurse, a Mother, a sister, a cousin, wife or friend. I didn’t get to know her for who she was, I just got to know that she was my cousin, loved by her sisters and apparently by everyone whose life she touched. I know she touched mine and there will always be a place in my heart for her. Now I am back to being selfish again. Out of us all, my immediate family and my new found family I am the oldest. This will no longer be allowed. I am well aware we will all go in due time, but as the Elder it is here by decreed that you shall not pass until I have departed, and I am sticking around for some time. Let it be said, let it be so.

So in the list of things that I feel shaped who I am…regrets are part of that. Some are insignificant, some were very significant. What else helped shape who I am? Well I will spend some valuable time procrastinating the next subject, not a regret, but Humor in my life has been the difference between sane and insane as much as I need time to think about that, so do you.